Love Has Fallen Down on Me

Okay, I'm aware that I haven't blogged much (at all, really) since I became a man of Alpha. It's been something that I have thought about a lot, but I think that this subject is the topic that I should end the hiatus with.

Recently, I've said to myself that relationships are quite important. I've thought about the 4 years since my last relationships, and I've thought about the possibility of entertaining one again. Then, I thought about a few other things that brought some ideas to my mind about women and then I heard...


On that independent sh-t, Trade it all for a husband and some kids
You ever wonder what it all really means? You wonder if you'll ever find your dreams?

-Kanye West, I Wonder

I recently asked some female friends of mine what their heart's greatest unfulfilled desire was. The results: all but three said that they wanted to love and be loved, having a husband, and having a family. It was wonderful to see first hand that the masquerade of male-bashing and "independence" and "I don't need a man" is just that: a masquerade. Young, old, single, involved, the whole spectrum. Relationships mean a lot to PEOPLE, not just women. They breathe a new sense of life and give our existence a greater meaning and dangit, doesn't being in love just feel great?

Then, I got to thinking about all of the wonderful women out there who ARE single, looking for that "special someone" with which to give their heart to and receive theirs in return. I got to wondering why some of these women are in the situations that they are in.

I think that as a society, when we look at someone on the outside and they appear to be someone of great standing with all they are "looking for", they go around looking for a catch. We assume there is some vice that they fall victim to or some false bottom that explains their situation. Some men and women will see people of the opposite sex who are attractive, successful, intelligent, etc. and see that they are single and approach with caution, expecting the worst.

The problem with that is that if you look for something hard enough, you will find enough to validate it. People of this nature shoot things that these people do through a fine-tooth comb, over analyzing them so that they can find things to validate their own preconceived conclusion. As they are of a higher caliber, they are judged by a higher set of standards, I guess...

Anyway, I started wondering why some people are not in relationships or why sometimes, people don't end up in the best sorts of relationships for them. I've come to this "conclusion". I think that it is due to one or more of the following reasons. Keep in mind, this list is not ranked or applicable for EVERY PERSON, but I see these as being reasons for some people's state of involvement.

• Timelines - I've said it once, and I'll say it until I'm out of here: life timelines are RARELY, if ever, a good thing. The thing about relationship timelines is that it puts people into a sense of rushed dejection, where they feel a sense a slight depression about their relational status. They may feel that because they are a certain age or because everyone around them is in a relationship, that it SHOULD be "their time".
  
  This leads people to sometimes jump in relationships that may not necessarily be GOOD for them, but they figure it beats the alternative of being alone. The problem with this is that this line of thinking totally goes against God's grand design. He told us that He would supply all of our needs in His time. In church, that's all fine and dandy, but when in the real world, people sometimes take their life into their own hands and they try to force the issue. Then, when they hit a brick wall, they place blame everywhere but themselves, never citing their failure to heed God's call or to follow His divine design upon our lives.
  
  Granted, patience is a virtue and relying on faith for something you want so bad is NEVER easy, it is IMPERATIVE that you follow ALL of the guidelines in order to gain the euphoria. This is why the entire concept of "looking" should be abolished. If God has your special someone for you, then what is there for YOU to look for? If someone who is always on time and always there for you and always delivers when it counts, why should you have a timeline to worry about?
  
  "...and I wonder"
  
  
• Fear - Fear is a wondrous weapon. The amazing thing about fear is that fear will ALWAYS trigger action. If someone fears something, they WILL act when confronted with it. If you fear your house being burglarized, you WILL take measures to secure it. If you fear a particular co-worker, you WILL either try to take steps to avoid them or to have the threat neutralized. I think this country's administration has used the fear tactic quite well, but that's another issue.
  
  In this instance, I am addressing fear in two specific aspects: fear of being hurt and fear of loneliness. Hurt sucks a LOT, so of course, people will do what they can to avoid such an emotional blow to the heart. Loneliness is a feeling of self abandonment, and who in the world DESIRES to truly be alone? Both of these fears, while different in their own ways, have similar disastrous consequences.
  
  Fear of Being Hurt: As I stated earlier, hurt is a bad mofo. Emotional hurt leaves scars that can last a lifetime. Love is equated with vulnerability, and when people who have been hurt before are confronted with the concept of being that vulnerable again, they fear it. This fear triggers a few different reactions.
  
  They may over-read a person, analyzing every little detail, trying to see if these actions will lead to a personal emotional attack. The problem with this is that these analyses can sometimes conflict with what actually is, because when you think out of fear, you are never thinking rationally. Someone may very well act very nicely, but because of the fear you have, you may respond to this gesture defensively, bracing for some sort of a setup.
  
  I'm all for people learning from mistakes of the past, but the guardianship, or level thereof, should apply to the persons that are deserving of it. I've always been told growing up "listen to what people say and watch what they do". People who say "but everybody says that" disregard the fact that players and genuine people do not ACT the same. People who are actually out there DOING do because they want to. People who are just BS'ing for personal gain often couple actions with words of score keeping, as if they want you to KNOW they did something. So although these two types of people may have similar speech, their actions differ. Thinking with the mind AND heart is essential.
  
  Also, people who fear being hurt may also develop a complex where they push people away that they find themselves attracted to under the guise of avoiding hurt by not letting anybody get too close. In the squarest of theories, this works well, because if no body's close enough to get you where you are vulnerable, nobody can truly strike you and set you up for the big fall. The problem with this is that whole mind-heart thought relationship when you find someone who really IS good and really DOES care for you. Your HEART is saying "I really care for this person and I would like to venture forward", but the mind is saying "remember what could happen! you could get hurt! foolish heart, don't be fooled into another emotional trap that will leave you alone and hurt!"
  
  Often times, this will lead to a conflict that the actual PERSON cannot resolve without ignoring one, which leaves them to either think with their head OR their heart. If you go with your mind, you push people away, and potentially push GOOD people away. If you go with your heart, you tread SO SOFTLY, you treat the person almost like a suspect on trial, innocent until proven guilty. What good person is going to stay around while (s)he is on trial for crimes they not only haven't committed, but don't plan to commit?
  
  In whichever case, it will lead to the person succeeding in not letting anybody get too close. HOWEVER, they have also secured their own failure, because while you have kept people at bay, you have also promised yourself your own loneliness. This leads me to my next point.
  
  Fear of Loneliness: Loneliness is a beast that is hard to slay once you are totally under its spell. It can cause one to become suspicious of EVERYBODY, especially if you have become ACCUSTOMED to being lonely and have not entertained company that intimate in a long time. Conversely, fear of falling into that hole can cause people to move VERY hastily and often, they will "relationship hop" just to avoid long spells of being single. When this fear of loneliness is coupled with the aforementioned timeline, it can create DISASTROUS effects of a monumental nature, because it could result in being with someone who is bad for you, marrying and/or having children with them, and having that tie to them forever.
  
  This, of course, will insure that they will never be lonely anymore, but they will have that aggravating cloud looming over them forever. Lasting relationships do NOT exist out of haste. They REQUIRE time, and if that order is disturbed, then you are at the mercy of your own impatience. The person that fears being alone does not give themselves enough credit, because it is not always their "fault". As I stated in a previous blog, people who possess good qualities are intimidating, and a lot of people are too scared to approach them out of fear of rejection. I just remembered that, so I'll add this little note about it.
  
  Fear of Rejection: Rejection is something NOBODY looks forward to. I think this is something women fight with more than men, because of society's assumptions that men are traditionally the initiators. Men make the initial approach, make date proposals, propose marriage, etc., which can cause some women to get complacent with it. They then develop a fear of rejection based on the way they've rejected men or seen men get rejected (if they have not been personally rejected before). An approach involves immediate vulnerability, and the fear of that vulnerability being attacked right off the bat will send many people retreating into a cave of solitude, I mean SAFETY.
  
  However, there is a saying that "the answer is always no until you ask". If you see someone who catches your eye, and your fear of rejection has you praying THEY will make the first move can amount to plenty missed opportunities. If you miss out and you did nothing to help your situation, the only person you can "blame" is the person you can control: yourself. A closed mouth doesn't get fed, so if you don't go for yours, you will find out the harsh way that life offers VERY few handouts. Go for yours...
  
  "...and I wonder"
  
  
• Unrealistic Pacing - Some people's past hurts and shortcomings can affect them in a very real way when it comes to their present and future, ESPECIALLY if they have been hurt a LOT. They will be so accustomed to people hurting them and equating people with negative experiences, that the minute they experience someone who is just positivity in all aspects of themselves, they find themselves latching on to them. Their sudden excitement will cause them to want to do as little as possible to lock that person down the FASTEST way possible.
  
  The problem with this is that they move at a pace that will almost assure their unhappiness. Why, you ask? This whole thought process is based on the whole timeline concept, in that if the object of their affection in any way objects to the timeline, they are accused of "playing games" and wasting that person's precious time. However, if this person goes with the timeline, it's almost assured that the two will get into a relationship without getting to truly know all about each other.
  
  These things WILL be revealed during the course of this rushed relationships, of course, but by then, feelings are so deeply invested, they are interpreted with FAR MORE scrutiny than if they were still friends and took the time to get to know that person. Being with someone means accepting everything that comes with that person, bitter and sweet. If a woman's friends see their friend's boyfriend with his uncles getting drunk and grab-assing at a club, they will equate that man with the woman's choice in men. If the woman sees that herself or has knowledge, she has signed off on that behavior being okay.
  
  Of course, there are people who take their time and learn things they wish they hadn't after the fact as well, but the chance of doing things in a rushed fashion like that has a higher probability of ending up that way than not. Time has this funny way of bringing things to light, and a stink WILL get aired out at one point or another.
  
  "...and I wonder"
  
  
• Personal Contradiction - Again, this is something that is an emotional nuclear bomb when combined with the timeline. People who KNOW they are one way will suddenly feel that their actions need to change cold turkey because of some self-diagnosed reason. the problem with this is that change takes time to truly take effect. If you were not in the mindset of someone who wants a relationship yesterday, you cannot jump into the mindset of someone who does without slowly shedding old habits.
  
  This will lead to relationships that still exhibit parts of the "old you", which could lead to the hurt of you and the one you're with. If a man is a player, he cannot shed his player ways overnight. If a person is a promiscuous sexaholic, that can't be changed with a word. Honesty in a relationship in a relationship starts with being honest with yourself. If you KNOW in your heart that you can't handle something right now, give it time and re-evaluate it. VERY few things change successfully overnight, especially if it involves rehab of bad habits. You are only lying to yourself if you think you can just jump into something (and bring someone else with you) when you know in your heart that you haven't given yourself time to adapt to the change. There's a word for that: selfishness.
  
  "...and I wonder"
  
  
• Personal Insecurity - A good (wo)man is not cheap. If they were easy to acquire, everyone would have one, eliminating the concept of a "good (wo)man". They are good because they stand out. Just as they are more valuable than the average, they demand a high amount of work to not only get, but to KEEP. You may GET a good person my menial means, but in the course of being with them, you will see demands being put on you to meet them at their level of investment. A man with a good heart demands a woman of a good heart. A woman who values a good man demands a man that values a good woman. A saved woman demands a saved man. A man that gives demands a woman that gives.
  
  Let's tackle this from the before and the after. This may not always be after a RELATIONSHIP, but after you know that you have secured a positive position in the person's life. On the before end, you have people who let insecurity take them out of the running by allowing that intimidation to eat away at them to the point that they take themselves out of the running. A good person will REFUSE to chase someone who keeps running away. If you spend your conversations telling the person about all the other people you're sure they have coming after them and how they could be with all those other people, eventually, they will begin to seek those other avenues. I mean, you've already made such a good case for them, so why shouldn't they look at the vast horizon you keep beating in their head that they have? You might be the apple of their eye, but if you have such little confidence in yourself that you can only point out other people, then their focus will shift to other people.
  
  On the after end, you may be with someone who is doing great things in your life, and you know you are truly the beneficiary of a good thing. They are investing in you and the two of you. You are overjoyed anytime you communicate and you know you have a shoulder to come to, knowing they will not judge you or turn you away. Then, your insecurities will kick in and you wonder "what am I doing to deserve this person? How am I reciprocating? What do I do for this person to be worthy of all this?" This creates a concept of self-doubt that is incurable to everyone but the person who created it. This sometimes lead to the pre-relationship insecurity behavior, where the person is confronted with all the other options they could be with. Again, in time, the person may stop trying to MAKE them believe otherwise and follow that person's advice.
  
  Women are not the only ones that find confidence appealing. Men LOVE a woman who KNOWS she is the bomb and puts it down on the regular. Women don't want a man who acts like a damn punk, men don't want a woman who masks her insecurity with hate or by playing the victim all the time. If you fail to believe that you are a good person, you will fail to convince others that you are. If you have to ask how much you do, you're not doing enough. Step it up and meet them in the clouds or stop believing that you're not doing enough. Good people exist in being, not words. Good men don't go around parading, claiming they are good men, because they spend all their time BEING good men. Good women don't need to spend all their time differentiating themselves from hoochies, because their track record speaks for itself.
  
  "...and I wonder"
  
  
• People Living Your Life - I don't think I need to dive deeply into this, so I won't. When you give people the power to be in your ear like Iago the parrot, needling your every move, you will end up doing what they want you to do. If you have your friends all in your ear criticizing your every emotional move and you listen to it, you will end up doing what THEY want you to do, as opposed to what YOU want to do. If you have people who have no earthly idea of what they're talking about, then you are the one who will take the fall. If you follow bad advice that a friend gave you, they can say "sorry" and go on with their life while you are left to sleep in a bed you made.
  
  This is what bothers me about people who are NOT in relationships who have no concept of people giving relationship advice to people who have someone. If they give advice based on spite or some past hurt you KNOW they have, then more likely than not, they are about to give you biased advice. People with their head on straight will give objective advice. They will say when the other person is wrong and when YOU are wrong. A good friend will praise your high points, but will also try to help you to fix your low points so that they are no longer low points. The moral: accept and factor in GOOD advice, but at the end, live your life based on your own conclusions.
  
  I also have an issue with people who try to rush people into a relationship because they can't understand the dynamic of the friendship that the two people have already come to agreement on. If the two of you all have come to a friendship agreement, that's what it is. Don't let people come in your ear like "why aren't you in a relationship?" They are on the outside looking in with short eyes, and Curtis Mayfield said beware of dirty, dirty Short Eyes (of course, he was talking about child molesters, but you know what I'M talking about!)
  
  "...and I wonder"
  

Whew, that was a lot. That said a lot, but I also think it communicated a good deal about what people need to know. You've got to follow the divine design, believe in you, and follow your heart and mind TOGETHER! Man, I love good people. As a good person, I really have this love for good people who have not found their special someone. I sometimes wished that God would grant me the ability to love them all, to give them the best of all a good person can bring. Not on a player tip, but to truly give, because it's a wonderful thing to receive a good thing. I've been blessed to have been around people that inspire me and move me to want to be more than I was before. Of course, nobody can be everything to everybody, but it's wonderful to be able to help. To all those good people, keep your eyes on Him and your special someone is promised.

Did you realize that you were a champion in their eyes?

-B