I Know This Much is True

As promised, here is another theory to go along with my partyology theories (the others can be found here).

The 10 Club Commandments Theory

Men


1. Know that there is no loyalty amongst men: In the world of economics, they focus on the concept that “there are an unlimited amount of wants and a limited amount of resources.” Nowhere does this ideal prove truer than at a club. Almost every guy there has the idea of grinding on some woman’s behind at a club. With such being the case, it’s every man for himself. Don’t ever expect that a man is going to assist in getting you closer to your goal of anything involving getting closer to a woman, ESPECIALLY if she is pretty. Men WILL stand in your way and refuse to move, they WILL push you out of the way if they see an impending conquest around you and they WILL not care that you got something spilled on you.
   
   
2. Watch a woman’s friends: When you are able to score a dance with a woman, be vigilant and look to see if she has her friends with her. 9 times out of 10, if not the song, these will be the reasons for your dance being over. Women tend to be rather clique tight when they attend the club together. They walk through the club together and are like lost puppies when they are separated from their party. Knowing this, expect that a sudden move away can happen, and you shouldn’t take it as a personal affront to your manhood. They may also be the ones to cockblock your ability to dance with her in the first place, but if you use your common sense, you can save on an incident that may get you put out or in jail.
   
   
3. Note the crowd around a woman: Again, the key to this whole thing in vigilance. If you know that you are dealing with a bunch of wolves and there is a chunk of food that the wolves aren’t running to devour, there’s probably a reason. These may be the women that are category 3’s or 4’s or maybe they’re just not drunk enough to start dancing with people yet. I can’t tell you how many guys I saw get downright annoyed by falling for that trap. Keep an eye on women you have plans on getting with. Note their clothing and see if it’s something that can accommodate dancing. If not, that may be your cue that there’s evil afoot.
   
   
4. Know your competition: It’s commonly said that the key to victory is knowing your enemy, their tendencies, strengths, and weaknesses. Is there a difference here? No. The guys in a club that are women-driven fall into one of 3 subcategories: those that want to fuck, those that want a bunch of numbers, and those that just want to dance. The ones that want to fuck will be the ones that will cause the most headaches, because they more than likely will want some THAT night. This means that they will be putting in WORK that night and hold up a woman that might want to dance. The ones that are number driven aren’t as annoying as they are pesky. These are the ones that will more than likely hold you up in a line or while walking, because they are the ones tugging on the arms and blocking the walkway, so nobody can move. Sometimes, you just want to yell at ‘em, but composure looks really good on you. The ass-grinders are just there, so you really don’t have to worry about them, unless you both get to the same woman at the same time. At that point, expect him to go for self and you all may be hip-pushing like you’re doing Da Butt. Nothing overly physical, but just giving a heads-up.
   
   
5. Be surprised by nothing: I think this one is rather self-explanatory. When people are drunk and/or horny, ANYTHING can and usually does happen. Peep the scene and respond accordingly.
   
   Women
   
   
6. Realize open-toed shoes are not your best friend on the dance floor: I was in a club and all of a sudden, there was a woman who kept nudging me in the back. I looked at her and she yelled “YOU’RE STEPPING ON MY FEET!!” I look down and see open-toed shoes. It was here that I realized something. A significant portion of women wear shoes with little toe protection, like heels (closed and open toe), those Egyptian sandal-looking shoes with the straps up to the knee, or those AWFULLY CHEESY house slipper-looking shoes. Men, however, are wearing Timberlands, heavy tennis, dress shoes with pointed edges (gotta have a Class C pimp in there), and boots. That comparison is like a car and an SUV. When they crash together, the car WILL get mangled. On the dance floor, there is a LOT of quick movements and foot steps. Be mindful of this fact and the fact that most times, if a guy steps on your toe, he will probably not care (though he may go “excuse me” and turn around and accidentally do it again).
   
   
7. Don’t think there is a place you can dance and not get harassed: Since the club is public domain, the patrons are more than likely everywhere that is legally possible. Knowing this and knowing that the guys want to get on YOUR behind means that they can and will get to you if they see you. Whether on the wall, in the duck-off, by the bar, wherever. The eyes are always watching, and there is a good chance someone’s peeping you out.
   
   
8. Note your outfit and what kind of attention it gets: I cannot tell you how many times I go to a party and see some woman wearing booty shorts and a halter top, get harassed to the point she ends up going off on somebody. Sure, she’s dressed very provocatively and she’s dancing bent over half the time, but still gets offended. It’s all about realizing the message you’re sending to folk. You want to dress to get the attention, but you don’t like the attention you get. Dave Chappelle had a joke about a woman dressed racy and how she hated being classified as a “ho.” He said “you may not be a ho, but you have on a ho’s uniform.” I’m not one to call a woman a ho, but let’s be mindful that the males listening to the liquor and their loins may not feel the same. The brunt of respect does not only sit with the men. Have some respect for yourself and don’t dress that way if you don’t want to be perceived that way, period.
   
   
9. Keep track of your clothing at all times: If a woman is dressed rather constrained and her song comes on, there’s a good chance that she’s going to come out of it (like shoes, jacket, or the classic “girl, hold my purse). However, please make sure you’re not so caught up in dancing that your clothing doesn’t land on the no man’s land floor area. With all the sweat, booze, shoe residue, dirt, and human discharge down there, even if you DO get it, it may be in an unusable state. I was in a club and suddenly, it felt like I was stepping on a small animal. I looked down, and it was someone’s sweater. There’s nothing wrong with undressing to get comfortable, but make sure you can properly locate what you take off at all times.
   
   
10. Enjoy yourself: Though I’ve named all these things to be aware of, just remember the main reason you’re there. You’re there to enjoy yourself. If you want to dance, dance. If you want to drink, drink. Even if there is a vagina discount going on, you’re wasting something more valuable: your TIME. Do not allow your time to be wasted because you were too afraid of being touched or bothered on the dance floor. Hell, the men are, why can’t you?
    

Those are the 10 Club Commandments. Follow these rules and you should be pretty good at spotting a trap or a setup when it’s on the horizon. Hopefully, you all learned something. If you think that something doesn’t make sense, let me know. I’m always about making my theories better.

-B