Just the Two Of Us

This morning, I'm going to post one of the most controversial blogs I will ever post (until something more intense happens). This morning, I am going to speak on single women with children. No, this is not going to be some mother-bashing editorial putting them down, because I know quite a few of them, and they are wonderful people. There have been many conversations that I've had with myself about this subject in regards to dating them. I've done my best to weigh the pros and cons, and I've been doing it for some years. I'm a realist. In today's society, the average age at which women are having children is much younger than it was in, say 1982, when I was born. Knowing this is a factor, I had to really sit myself down and figure out how I would deal with the situation, if confronted with it. I've confronted it a few times in my tenure, and I've come to the conclusion that I cannot date women with children. As long as I've made this crossroad of a decision, I've battled the "why" question. I believe I now have a more concrete hold on it.

As I get older, I realize that I'm not the young college freshman that I was 5 and a half years ago. I'm not into the tomcat games of messing with you, getting what I want, and dropping you. I'm not into one night stands or male gold digging or any of that. I'm thinking seriously and maturely about the relationships that I get myself into (one of the reasons I'm still single). I believe that any SERIOUS relationship I get into from this point on could very well turn into an engagement and marriage, if the Lord allows. I am also looking at the big picture. If I marry this person, I am agreeing to take on the responsibilities as the head of the household. This includes the children. Their welfare, their interests, their schedules

I guess it starts with the relationship that I have with my father. My mother and father are still married and doing their thing, and I am happy to have a close relationship with both of my parents and my sister. My father and I talk all the time, and there was one day that women with children came up in conversation back when I was a sophomore in high school. He told me his views on dating a woman with children very plainly. He said that he couldn't see himself raising children that aren't his. I paused for a minute and took it in, because just as the woman has every right to keep him at bay for the sake of the children, he has a right to not have to put himself in a situation where he would feel uncomfortable. I then pondered a scenario involving being in a relationship and the day of discipline comes in. Would my acts of discipline be acceptable throughout the household as I am the leader of the household, or would it end up in a side-taking issue (granted, this would be around the time of marriage, but you gotta think long term).

Then, I took into consideration the ever-present "you're not my daddy" scenario. One of the greatest things my dad passed on to me is his sense of respect. We both believe in the chain of command that exists within a grouping and do not tolerate rank insubordination at all. Hearing something as crass and disrespectful as that would be enough to send me packing instantly. As harsh and gutsy as it is, though, the comment would be true. No matter what happens, there is always the FACT that you are not that child's father and no matter what you do, there is nothing that will change that.

The term "father" in and of itself is something quite sacred. I believe that being a father is one of the greatest gifts that God gives us. I've known and dated women that have children and have had the pleasure of being introduced to them. They would address me as "Mr. Brandon" (I feel old when I hear that, lol), and we would continue on about our business. I am very thankful that these have been women that have had the God-driven sense of child-rearing to teach that element of respect to their children, as opposed to them saying "hey nigga. yea, I'm talking to you...". I think fast forwarded to what could happen should marriage come into the picture. I get married, and I'm taking on the responsibility of the family. Then, how am I addressed? Mr. Brandon, still? Being called Mr. Brandon makes me feel like I'm a visitor or a guest speaker somewhere. In a family scenario, I would prefer to be addressed as "dad" or "daddy" or whatever father terminology they choose to adopt. However, I'm not about FORCING them to call me that if I am not in fact their dad. If they refuse to call me "dad" for whatever reason (just like I don't call anybody else, Momma or Daddy or whatever, even if it's just a nickname), they have every right to. I believe they should speak and address me in a manner that they feel comfortable with. If "daddy" is not one of them, I can't get mad at them. I just prefer that man not be me.

I also look at people's time. I'm a family man first, in that I believe that a family affair should always take highest precedence and priority. I believe that a family should (and usually does) put itself first before anything. However, me being single, I have no immediate family of my own (read: children) with which to take this investment time from, so I have the free time and money to go out, date, make merry, and have fun with the woman I'm seeing. This outlook of my situation obviously has moments where it will clash with my outlook of those with a family. My sense of spontaneity may be stifled, because there's nobody to watch the kids or there's a family event going on or whatever the case may be. Again, being a realist, I'm aware that there will be times where that WILL happen. I look at it from their perspective and understand totally. I would rather us have the time to get to be with one another alone, just the two of us.

I next looked at the age of the child involved and the compatibility factor. Seeing as I'm not in my late 30's to early 40's, the chances of a child of teen age is relatively low, though I have encountered it before. I had a heart-to-heart with some aunts of mine that DO have children my age and younger, and they broke down what they thought about it. They said that at a certain age, they should respect the relationships that their mom gets into, but when dealing with younger children, it's VERY hard for the mom to get along with any potential suitor if their children don't like them. Brandon luvs the kids, but the kids don't always luv Brandon. I have gone on some outings with women with children and they, through no fault of anyone's, just do not get along with me. I'm not one who's about faking a relationship because it will garner favor with their mother. I, being a realist, am of the opinion that the more authentic the comfort, the better it is for everyone.

Next, I look at the father in question. No doubt, it takes two to tango and two to make a thing go right. Knowing this, I know that the mother is not the only player in this game. I've seen the movies, I've heard the stories, and I’ve witnessed the drama. We all know that when parents are split up, the door is open for the possibility of drama. A child's father may take on various characteristics, from cool and accepting to jealous and territorial. Some "baby daddies" like to use the child as a leash to hang onto the mother as an invitation to occasional sexual encounters or "giving 'us' one more try". Some may just feel intimidated by the thought of another man possibly taking his place in the mom's heart and getting close to HIS child. Then again, most of them are accepting that things did not work out between the mother and themselves and are willing to provide for their children accordingly, only wanting the best home and upbringing for their children.

No matter what characteristic of man he is, the one thing that is consistent is that as a father, they should always be granted the right to spend time with their children (unless the courts say otherwise). Granted the control of his access should be regulated by the mother, over presence for purposes outside of spending time with his child will become a problem with me, if nobody else. This is assuming serious (read: SERIOUS) dating or marriage would result. I've dealt with women I've CONTEMPLATED dating and have received calls where the father lied to me, telling me she was married, trying to start drama between the two of us. Sure, the chances of something THAT serious happening on the regular are slim to none, but I would rather not leave myself open to the possibility. Good man or not, I WOULD have to invest a considerable amount of time into knowing about this guy, because as the old adage goes, "when you get with someone, you're taking on the responsibility of everything that comes with them." Also, I don't want to play Dr. Phil with her over him. Every phone convo is about how much of an asshole he is and how fucked up a decision it was to be with him in the first place. They come seeking advice over a situation they contributed to. If I were to answer her questions and soothe her issues over him out, it would only drive her closer to him. I'd rather you and him iron it out yourselves. I wasn't around when you laid with that person; I don't wanna be around to pick up the pieces.

Finally, there is the "surrogate father" syndrome that may arise. Surely, this state of mind is only popular amongst those that lack proper courtesy for suitors, but you and I know that there are women out there like that. As soon as you REMOTELY seem to be getting serious, you are expected to help to contribute to raising the child. Buying pampers, formula, clothing, food, babysitting, etc. If I wanted to help to raise a child, I would have my own. I am with you (at least in the early stages) to get to know about you and your life, not to play "Captain Save-A-Chick" and let you unload a bunch of unnecessary responsibilities on me. Again, I understand that it is a very conditional situation, and any woman worth her salt wouldn't do that. However, I have witnessed it, and I know what I will and will not put up with.

These reasons all combine to land me at my current state of affairs. Of course, it's not a MUST-HAVE thing, as you never know the woman that God will ultimately want you to be with. It would be the person to say "no children" be swept off his feet by a woman with a child. You never know what you will be attracted to or become accepting of as life goes on. As for now though, this is why I would rather not date women with children. Are some of the aforementioned reasons blatant generalizations and stereotypes? Of course. Does this apply to every single mother? No. Does this relational parameter make it harder on the quest for my divinely assigned? You bet. Will I catch flack for this? Probably. Know that I mean no disrespect to any women with children, nor do I think that all single mothers are money-grubbing, drama magnets who want nothing more than a free ride from a sucker. I think that the moral high ground here, though, is that you can't be really serious with anybody else if you're not really serious with yourself. I don't wanna wake up one day HAPPY TO THE LORD that I'm with this woman with children, then one day wake up like "I'm dating a woman with CHILDREN!!" Rather than look like a flip-flopping, indecisive asshole, I would rather not get into the situation to begin with. Like the youngsters say, I'm just keeping it real.

-B