Thsi is the title I've been given. Oh High and Mighty One. The first time I heard it, I was horrendously offended. I mean after all, in what way could a name like this be interpreted as something GOOD? How dare I be portrayed as a pompous, above-the-law jerk who feels that he can't be touched or get a dent in his armor! The almighty NERVE, no, the unmitigated GALL of people!
Then, I thought about it. I thought about my life. I thought about what I actually DO. I thought about what I actually WRITE. I thought about the way I actually interact with people. I thought about the way my mindstate really was.
I asked people what they thought were my 3 high points and 3 areas of improvement. No, let me be real. I asked FEMALES what my 3 high points and 3 areas of improvement were. I almost feel like a traitor, because at the time, I had NO intentions on blogging about anything related to my findings. However, the personal insight I gained from its findings is TOO great not to expound upon.
I came into the blinding realization that I indeed DID have an arrogant, know-it-all streak about myself. Apparently, I had been presenting myself before I considered others, and while I didn't get it at the time (I still don't), I accepted it. Condescension, while unknowingly and unintentionally, had crept its way into my character. I thank the friends of mine who gave me this input, because without it, I genuinely believe that I would not have seen it.
I looked at my last few blogs. I looked at the self-insulating explanations I gave and what message my communications gave off. Due mainly in part to some of these blogs, I have been told I'm brutally honest about myself and how I feel about certain things. I can dig it, and there's just something I like so much about being able to share my thoughts in a forum like this. I am aware that a large percentage of my responsive blog viewers are women (not to sound egotistical, but a lot of my male friends don't read blogs. Of course, feel free to invite males to read it if you know of any), and a lot of times, I feel myself writing on issues that cater to my audience (as any good writer does).
Good writing or not, I was writing in a self-exemptive way, so that I could distance myself from any negative male aspect or conclusion that a woman might draw from it. I realized that I had this obsessive desire to pounce upon any anti-male comments, as to make sure that whoever made them (normally a female) understood that quality/qualities pointed out didn't apply to me. I had this love for being in this bubble that shielded me from the flaws that men have (it took me a while to type the word 'men'). I didn't like being pointed out as being the only one with a flaw, and would find a flaw in the person who pointed out a flaw in me, as to even the score. I didn't like people who discriminated against a particular characteristic that I possessed, so I would go on rants about 'how dare they discriminate against me', when I was discriminating myself (still not entertaining the thought of dating women with children).
While I agree with Jay-Z saying "until we all without sin, let's stop the pulpittin'", there is nothing wrong with hearing someone out. Every communicated flaw is NOT meant to be an attack, and there is NO need to take EVERY comment that may be perceived as being unfavorable personally. Life is not an uptight sport, and even SUPERMAN loosened up his tie every now and again.
I looked at what I actually DO. The Heartbreaker blog had an effect similar to what I expected. There were women who respected it, women who blew up at me, women who became inquisitive because of it, etc. Again, not many males read and responded to it, so I cannot speak from their point of view. As a sidebar, that's one of the things I really like about communicating with women more than men. If there's something that is written or documented, men often have a tendency to just read and keep it moving, whereas women like to read, reflect, discuss, and dissect things. Seeing as I'm an analytical person myself, you can see how I come to this conclusion.
Anyway, back to Heartbreaker. Yea, looking back on it, it came off as being a huge puff of smoke of a security blanket, covering up a rather deeper issue. While the points that were made DO hold true, its overall purpose can be misconstrued when coupled with the actions that couple it. To play the "only wanting to be friends/don't want a relationship" angle, you must play it to the limit. You cannot play up certain elements like tangibility and emotions if you do not intend for the other person to perceive your intentions to be such. So, if this were/is the case, me to run around wanting tangibility, but pulling up my "no relationship" card when the emotional responsibility comes with it is STILL unfair. I could write a million blogs trying to make sense of it, but at the end of the day, it's unfair and wrong.
What does this have to with that deeper issue? It simply means this: I dug deep into myself, and I realized that there is lonliness within and the urge for companionship is definitely there. I think that deep inside, I WANT to be in a relationship, but I want to search on my own terms. I am not a one-person dater (though I have nothing agaisnt those that are). In the quest of looking for my "one", I will be entertaining other prospects. I used to avoid talking about other women with a prospect of mine, but I need to stop doing that. If the person has a problem with that, then it is not a problem of mine. There would be times where a lady would ask me "do you treat all your other women like you treat me?", I would get offended. I hate screens with a passion, but I had a screen up of my own. I wanted total discretion, while being unable to provide it.
Would I answer it? No. Would I answer it now? No. It's STILL offensive, because to me, it's a slap in the face to have someone do something nice for/with you and to have the first thing that pops in their head be "is this a cookie cutter deed?" Just because a person is entertaining multiple sources of company does not mean they treat EVERYONE they deal with the same.
Though I am far from an idiot, I am not a know-it-all. I don't have all the answers. While I like the mature mindstate I possess and amazing people that I'm only 25, the truth is I AM only 25, and there are times where I don't know things. There are times where I will believe things to be true and be way off. I'm trying to learn myself just like everyone else. I am always trying to investigate things about myself that can be improved and the ways to put those changes into play. I am an educated man, and at times, I just prefer speaking at a certain vocab level. I don't TRY to lose people or seem uptight, but it's just a thing about me. My mind is always on, and I enjoy it. I remember sometimes when I would be in Kenny's too long, I would come out, and you couldn't get a big word out of me to save your life. I didn't like the ME that came along with it. Ask anybody who's talked to me after being in there for about 5 hours, and see if I'm a pleasure to be around.
World, I extend my arms. I am a 25 year old African-American man. While there are a wealth of treasures within, there are some of the same flaws that plague others in the demographic. I think with the wrong part of me sometimes and I don't like asking for directions when lost. There are times when I don't listen and times when ego gets in the way of reason. Then, there are times when I just don't get it, and try as I might, I just can't get it. I know I don't know everything, and I have stopped trying. Certain concepts and people are just beyond my grasp. I screw up, but I also apologize. I APOLOGIZE.
With all that being said, there are things I will NOT apologize for. I will NOT apologize for being self-centered about blogging. It's my blog, and it's here where I put what I want broadcast. Of course, nobody has brought this complaint to me, but if someone did, I wouldn't apologize for it. I won't apologize for being educated. Again, my word choice isn't to make people feel stupid, it's just how I communicate. For example, I just rather use the word "tactile" over "touchy-feely". Not a vendictive thing, I just like using that word. I will NOT apologize for giving my opinion, but I will more than likely stop pushing it on people. Just because you feel something doesn't mean you have to tell it to everybody you know. I will not apologize for saying that there are a lot of things I actually DO get now, and I thank the people that pointed it out. It's like Moses said in Prince of Egypt: "I did not see because I did not wish to see". I have FRIENDS who did a Clockwork Orange on me, and I thank them for it. Oh, High and Mighty One, my behind!
-B
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